I recently auditioned for a large scale local production of 'The Three Musketeers', and was very surprised to not only receive a part, but a large one at that. It's kind of left me thinking about acting, and what it means to me personally.
Acting is something I've always enjoyed. Having an enormous imagination at a child often left me in the faux-Dungeon Master role, crafting the worlds and stories for others to play in. This continued into my teenage years, branching off into the various creative arts. Writing - both musical and of the word variety - fuelled my desire to create and explore other worlds and characters from my own imagination. Acting, on the other hand, providing the challenge of embodying a character created by someone else's imagination. I think we all are filled with the desire from time to time to escape ourselves, take a vacation from the real world and just relax. Some people ma do this by taking a literal vacation; others may enter into a new relationship or job. Myself, I've never really ever discovered exactly who "I" am. I have a general concept, yes, but I usually limit my self description to simply whatever makes me happy at the time. To lock myself into a set definition is a frightening thought to me; I'll happily commit to a lot of things, but not to an ideal of self that may be wrong. I've often said that the way I get through life is by choosing the character I wish to be, and then playing that role until it no longer feels like acting. At the moment, I am socialising and hard working Kyle. I love my friends, I enjoy and are fulfilled by my job and find myself motivated to better myself. This is very different to reclusive Kyle from my teenage years, or lost and confused Kyle from my tweens. That said, however, each Kyle is as much me as any other; they are simply representations of the various parts of my psyche that fulfil me at the time. I hope that the Kyle I have become, or am becoming, is one that I shall remain for the rest of my life, but if it changes, then I feel that is not a bad thing.
So you would think with my life constantly acting, I would not be filled with a desire to pursue it as a hobby. But even though I play roles each day, they are roles I have defined myself and worse still, roles that exist and function within the rules and regulations of social hierarchy. On stage, I can be anyone and anything. I can be a murderer, or a priest. A virgin, or a rapist. I can play God, or Satan. I can be whomever I wish and act however I wish, free from the judgement of society. It's all a play, it's not real. It's like therapy, as much as writing or music is. A chance to exorcise the demons, or a chance to play the angel. Or in the case of my upcoming role, an impetuous little shithead King. Because at the end of the day, therapy or not, if it's not fun, you're doing something wrong.
I'm certain that all I've spoken about here is not exclusive to the autistic, but I feel perhaps we are uniquely positioned to be seduced by the call of the stage. Time Minchin said it best; "Beauty is a harlot. She'll dance with any two-bit artist."
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