Naked (NSFW)

I do so despise how long it's getting between these posts. A lot of these articles are quite difficult for me to write, and I often like to make sure they are perfect, but I should be able to pump them out faster. What I want to talk about today won't be for everyone, I'm also going to include a video clip with full nudity in it, so anyone under the legal age or who would find such things offensive, please stop reading now. I won't take any responsibility for your state of mind if you continue beyond this point, you have been warned.

Seriously adult discussions about body image, nudity, sex and the like to follow, including images of full male nudity. Please do not continue if you would find such things offensive or if you intend to take them as pornographic. This article is not intended to sexually please or titillate.

Right, now that that is out of the way, let's get into the nitty gritty of things. A few years ago I wrote a song called Naked. It was about a lot of things. On the surface, it was about being comfortable with yourself and who you are, but it also dealt with being comfortable with what you look like and being sure of yourself and not surrounding yourself with people who detract from you. It's always been a particular favourite of mine and one I have done many different versions of. The original still remains my favourite as it is very naked itself. In fact, I recorded the whole thing naked, to truly capture the effect. The vocals are rough, the guitar is slightly out of tune, and the recording quality is not the greatest, but I feel it is the definitive version of this song as it captures all the song itself is trying to say.

I've never had a problem with nudity, myself or others. That is not to say I am confident in my body, I'm not. But I feel most comfortable when I shed my clothes. I sleep naked and at times when I am by myself I will often sit naked reading, or listening to music, or composing or recording. I find that stripped of the artificial confines of clothes, I am at my most raw and vulnerable, but also most creative. I am not a very sexually attractive person. I'm alright looking, I have nice features, but I'm overweight and rather average looking, even at my fittest. I am no Gerard Butler, that's for sure, but once I shed this weight at least I will feel attractive on the outside as well as the in. I'm glad I don't feel completely comfortable with how I am. It gives me the motivation to want to change and look after myself, to want carve out my true self from inside this soft, protective cover.

Because it is a cover, another way of hiding myself from the world. The weight prohibits people getting to close to me, or becoming attracted to me. It prohibits intimacy and for a time, that was what I wanted. It was just one more wall between me and society. But now I am ready to lose that wall. It's going to be a hard journey, but by April next year I want to be half the man I am now, and twice the man I am now.

I mentioned in my last article some of the reasons that drew me to audition for the play. Another was my weight. I new if I got a role, I would have to become physically fit to do it, especially if the role was a Musketeer. Even so, I do not wish to be the portly King. I want to look young and attractive. Also, there is a complicated dance scene that will be hard enough without the extra kilos weighing me down.

So this brings me around at last to the video I mentioned. This is not something I want to upload for general viewing, as it is a deeply personal statement that I worry will be misconstrued. This was filmed with the barest of materials, a low quality camera and little else. No script, no plan, just pure improvisation. I wanted the nakedness to come not just from the physical, but from every aspect of the video. I've degraded it even further with some basic effects, to preserve my dignity slightly. I briefly considered leaving it as is, but the black and white makes things even more bare and harsh. The other obvious reason I haven't uploaded this for general viewing is the fact that I am completely naked throughout this video. This is not intended to be sexual, or pornographic. The nudity is meant to be a statement on vulnerability, not sex. (also, no one wants their family stumbling onto naked videos of you on the net). I know in my heart this will be misunderstood by a lot of people, but this is not for them. It's for those who will understand what I am trying to say. Hopefully, there are some of you out there. And for you, I've included the video below. Please, if you feel the need to share, do so with others who will appreciate it for what it is, and not as a tool of insult or mockery. If you feel the need to comment, please do so. I hope it does breed discussion of an intelligent level. Anyway, here it is. Consider yourself Aspergified (but hopefully not horrified ;) ).

An Aspie's Guide To The Call of the Stage

I recently auditioned for a large scale local production of 'The Three Musketeers', and was very surprised to not only receive a part, but a large one at that. It's kind of left me thinking about acting, and what it means to me personally.

Acting is something I've always enjoyed. Having an enormous imagination at a child often left me in the faux-Dungeon Master role, crafting the worlds and stories for others to play in. This continued into my teenage years, branching off into the various creative arts. Writing - both musical and of the word variety - fuelled my desire to create and explore other worlds and characters from my own imagination. Acting, on the other hand, providing the challenge of embodying a character created by someone else's imagination. I think we all are filled with the desire from time to time to escape ourselves, take a vacation from the real world and just relax. Some people ma do this by taking a literal vacation; others may enter into a new relationship or job. Myself, I've never really ever discovered exactly who "I" am. I have a general concept, yes, but I usually limit my self description to simply whatever makes me happy at the time. To lock myself into a set definition is a frightening thought to me; I'll happily commit to a lot of things, but not to an ideal of self that may be wrong. I've often said that the way I get through life is by choosing the character I wish to be, and then playing that role until it no longer feels like acting. At the moment, I am socialising and hard working Kyle. I love my friends, I enjoy and are fulfilled by my job and find myself motivated to better myself. This is very different to reclusive Kyle from my teenage years, or lost and confused Kyle from my tweens. That said, however, each Kyle is as much me as any other; they are simply representations of the various parts of my psyche that fulfil me at the time. I hope that the Kyle I have become, or am becoming, is one that I shall remain for the rest of my life, but if it changes, then I feel that is not a bad thing.

So you would think with my life constantly acting, I would not be filled with a desire to pursue it as a hobby. But even though I play roles each day, they are roles I have defined myself and worse still, roles that exist and function within the rules and regulations of social hierarchy. On stage, I can be anyone and anything. I can be a murderer, or a priest. A virgin, or a rapist. I can play God, or Satan. I can be whomever I wish and act however I wish, free from the judgement of society. It's all a play, it's not real. It's like therapy, as much as writing or music is. A chance to exorcise the demons, or a chance to play the angel. Or in the case of my upcoming role, an impetuous little shithead King. Because at the end of the day, therapy or not, if it's not fun, you're doing something wrong.

I'm certain that all I've spoken about here is not exclusive to the autistic, but I feel perhaps we are uniquely positioned to be seduced by the call of the stage. Time Minchin said it best; "Beauty is a harlot. She'll dance with any two-bit artist."